National Coming Out Day – Friday 11th October 2019
For this year’s National Coming Out Day, we have gathered the following stories and thoughts from our Network members to highlight the multitude of coming out experiences – after all, we do not come out just the once!!
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde
I wish I had read this as a young woman, because I spent WAY too much time trying to live up to other people’s expectations, trying to fit in, and ultimately, trying to be someone I wasn’t. But even though I would do things differently now, I consider myself fortunate to have ended up how I did, with support and love and a minimum of kickback when I finally did come out.
The first person I had to come out to was me. In some ways that was the hardest, as I desperately didn’t want to be ‘different’, I wanted to be just like everyone else in my family, like my friends, like my schoolmates and later, colleagues in work. I had just turned 21 (late bloomer!) when I knew that I couldn’t go on, I couldn’t pretend to like that boyfriend the way he liked me, I couldn’t keep hidden this huge part of me that kept screaming “I love women!”
So I summoned up all my courage and one evening, dialled the number to Dublin’s gay helpline. I can’t remember the conversation, just the sense of relief and a feeling that I was heard and understood and not judged. About a week later, wearing a new shirt, a nervous smile and with a fluttering heart, I walked into a group for women who were ‘exploring their sexuality’. Terrifying. I mean, they were all lovely, but I couldn’t have been more nervous. Fast forward 4 weeks and I had my first girlfriend, yep, it worked out okay in the end!
I gradually told friends, then certain members of my family, and finally, one Sunday morning, I told my mum. I was scared of her reaction, scared of rejection, scared that she would want nothing to do with me. So you can imagine my surprise and relief when she said “We knew! We were waiting for you to say something!” And she reassured me that nothing changed, I was still loved and cherished. Over the years, my parents welcomed my partners and basically treated us the same as my siblings and their partners and spouses, a ‘normality’ that I know not everyone is lucky to experience.
Someone once said that you don’t come out once, it is a process of continual coming out to people in your personal, work and social life, because as you meet new people, the process begins again. I’ve come out to extended family, to new friends, to colleagues in lots of different jobs, to doctors, neighbours, hotel receptionists, government agencies, vets…the list goes on and on. Sometimes it’s a conversation, sometimes just matter of fact, sometimes it’s making it clear that yes, you did mean to book that double room.
So I’ve been coming out for years and am fortunate to be in a place where I am totally comfortable with doing so, because I am totally comfortable with who I am. It’s taken a while and some angsty moments, but finally I am fully myself, wherever I am, whoever I’m with. Thanks Oscar.
Pretending to be straight is horrible but it’s less effort than dealing with ignorant comments.
My mum spent some time reassuring me there was nothing wrong with it, which I already knew, but it was lovely to hear from her anyway!
Just a very short exert from a conversation in my first month at Hallam;
‘I’m so glad you’re not a lesbian’
‘That’s interesting, I’m not sure my girlfriend would agree though’
This conversation happened at my ‘Welcome to SHU/The Team drinks’…
I was then out, which actually made life easier and the rest of the team challenged the comment and were very supportive.
I would like to share my coming out story to a new colleague at work some years ago.
Staff in the school I used to teach in were all aware of my sexuality, my partner was always welcomed at staff events along with other staff partners. On one occasion I went out into Sheffield to meet up with a group of staff including some new ones. I was the first to arrive in the bar then followed by a new member of staff who I had not really got to know at that point. I engaged him in conversation and made him feel welcomed. He then posed the question to me ‘ how long have you been out?’ I thought it was a bit out of the blue but replied ‘since 1981’ He looked at me strangely and a little perturbed then said ‘ I meant how long have you been out tonight’ . Up to then he had no idea I was gay, but one thing for sure was it is far easier to come out in noughties than it was in the 80’s.
Whenever I hear someone make prejudiced comments about any LGBT+ person I make a mental note to never come out to them.
I guess I’ve kind of always known I liked people of any gender, but never knew that wasn’t the norm until I first was introduced to the acronym ‘LGBT’ around the age of 13, when my family were considering fostering and within the forms it was asked if anybody in the family identified with anything under that term.
Of course, me not knowing what it meant decided to google the acronym and look more into what each word was, and upon reading the, albeit Wikipedia, definition of bisexual I felt that it was something I identified with but wasn’t really mentally ready to tell everybody, I knew people in my class would make jokes or remarks and I was already being bullied as it was, I didn’t want to add more ammunition.
I did decide though that I would tell my best friends, or who I thought were my best friends and to my face they seemed fine with it, but by the end of that day it seemed that the entire school knew – I had received probably 50-100 Facebook messages that night asking me if this rumour was true, or other intrusive questions and I went to school the next day wanting to just ignore it but it was all anybody could focus on.
It did make my bullying worse, and being the only out person in school made me a target for snide remarks as people passed me in the hall, or going into changing rooms and girls saying they suddenly felt uncomfortable changing in case any of the girls were going to watch them, and people asking me intrusive questions about my dating history. It left me feeling alone, and after I finished my exams I felt free and when I moved to college I found new friends who didn’t care about my sexuality and accepted me for who I was.
Coming out is easier when people don’t start off making assumptions about my sexuality one way or the other.
I don’t come out to people until I’m sure of how they would react.
Hallam LGBT+ Staff Network
Lee Partoon