‘I had been blissfully unaware that my ‘difference’ was even apparent to others’: Neal Marsh discusses growing up with a stammer to spread awareness for ISAD
“He can’t be Joseph; he can’t even speak properly” bellowed Claude Von Buttface. I recoiled in shock. “He can do whatever he wants” exclaimed Mr T.
Now, this may sound like the mutant hybrid of a scene from Diary of a Wimpy Kid and The A-Team but it was actually a narrative from the 1985 Oakland County Primary School nativity audition. Claude Von Buttface’s name has been changed to protect his identity and Mr T was my second-year teacher, real name Mr Turrell (but as we were all A-Team mega fans, he let us call him it).
At 5 years and 10 months old I had stammered as long as I could remember (which I admit was not very long) and my dear old mum had shoved me into various speech therapy courses in an effort to rid me of my demons and ‘make me normal’…..realistically she was probably just worried about me and how this disability would affect me in the future; would I be able to hold down a job, meet a partner and succeed in life??? So, any option to mitigate this was embraced by dear old mum.
Back to the nativity audition, despite the therapy, I had been blissfully unaware that my ‘difference’ was even apparent to others. I had assumed it was just something all kids did, but my misjudgement was crystallised in this moment. The irony of it all was that I had never had any aspiration to be Joseph and was hoping that I would bag ‘Shepherd number 4’ and not have to learn any lines, but the legend Mr T wanted to include me and push me! Thinking back, this was probably (probably not!!) the earliest example of the social model of disability, whereby disability is not just ‘observed’ but embraced.
Skip forwards 38 years, and I have learned to ‘manage’ my stammer and understand and accept the ebbs and flows of life as a stammerer. I say ‘manage’ but what I really mean is that I now understand my strengths and, shall we say, not so strengths, so I can navigate through situations using various techniques to get somewhere near what I want to say…. most of the time! This can however be quite tiring as I find myself having to plan a lot more than a fluent speaker and am always analysing situations for the potential implications of my stammer. To put this in context, someone giving a team update/presentation may do it ‘off the cuff,’ whereas I need to know exactly what I will say, to the word…. If I don’t do this, I run the risk of not getting my point across due to how my stammer may manifest itself.
The best way to describe my stammer is like always walking around a pit of quicksand, sometimes you fall in and as you struggle to get out hands appear that you grab at, any hand will do as long as you get out…. Now replace hands with words and quicksand with a bad stammering day. Without going into the physiology of stammering, my bad stammering days can come from being tired, anxious, or just randomly from nowhere (very annoying). On these days I worry about what others may think of my choice of articulation or my facial expressions as I try to force words out my cake hole! But, on other days I feel like I could read War and Peace forwards and backwards and never get stuck, and these days are what keep me going and give me the confidence to push myself. But planning will always be my safety blanket, it is tiring but for me very much worth it!
I never thought as a kid I would have a job (well 3 jobs at the moment!!) that all require. peaking in 1-1 appointments, training to groups and giving presentations. I had no role model to look up to as a kid, no one to say it is possible for a stammerer to live a life they choose rather than a life they think society will allow. Therefore, I am very keen to be a part of normalising stammering and letting people know about my little story. If we are not authentic and choose to hide our authenticity how will others be able to identify with anyone. 1 in 100 people stammer or have a speech impediment to some degree, that is a lot of staff and students just at Hallam. So, by being visible and talking we can help people identify and access support groups or therapy that they may not otherwise have been aware of.
Of course, International Stammering Awareness Day (ISAD) is the perfect day for me to start this awareness drive at Hallam. So, if you stammer or know someone who does, or if you just want to learn more, feel free to pop along to the stand at the main entrance of Owen Building on the 19th of October from 10am to 2pm. There, you will be able to ask me, or my colleague Nick Russell from The Staff Disability Network (SPARK) or Claire Bull who is the Clinical Lead in Stammering at the Sheffield Children’s NHS Foundation Trust, anything you want about support for stammering.
Don’t be a Claude Von Buttface, be a Mr T.
(ISAD is actually on the 22nd of October, but that is a Saturday!)
Written by Neal Marsh
To find out more about ISAD visit https://westutter.org/what-is-stuttering/international-stuttering-awareness-day/
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