Emma Morris, Co-Chair of Parent and Carer Network
Most of you may know from my previous post that I’m a carer for my Grandad, and in January he turned the grand old age of 90. If your elderly relatives are anything like him, every time a milestone event comes and goes it’s usually accompanied by some witty comment about how they won’t live to see the next one and we all roll our eyes and laugh it off, but of course there’s no escaping the fact that as our loved ones age, deep down we know that each birthday, anniversary or Christmas could be their last one.
My Grandma passed away from cancer 2 years ago and I also used to be her carer; looking back on those final months I was grateful that I’d spent less time worrying about whether the windows had been cleaned and more time sat having a chat over a cup of tea. I was also grateful that we’d been able to talk about two very important things, what kind of death she wanted and what kind of funeral she wanted. It wasn’t as morbid as you’d think…she wanted to die at home and so I was able to get advice from her palliative nurse at St. Luke’s about how to make that possible. I was also able to make sure that she had ‘something sparkly’ in her flower arrangement, and that Que Sera Sera by Doris Day was played during the service.
Money is also another topic that goes hand in hand with discussions around dying. Although it may seem crass to some, having open and honest conversations about finances will be massively beneficial to you and will provide peace of mind for your loved ones. The last thing you want to worry about when someone passes away is who’s going to pay for the funeral, or whether they left a will. My Grandad, being a typical Yorkshireman, hasn’t really got any preference about flowers and music but he constantly reminds me that his funeral must be cheap!
And it’s not just money and music to think about, there are so many other things surrounding the end of a life;
- The way we’d like to die – this is particularly important for those with life-limiting illnesses
- Organ donation – you can find some information here about telling family and friends
- Wills, property and possessions– around 70% of parents with children under 4 don’t have a will! SHU offers staff discounts for legal services including will writing
- The type of funeral – Religious or humanist? Readings and poems? Burial or cremation?
We really shouldn’t feel uncomfortable talking about death at all, it doesn’t mean that we’re waiting for people to pass away so we can get our hands on the inheritance, it simply means that we care enough to want to grant someone their final wishes. If you’re wondering how to broach the subject, or you want to talk to someone about the death of a loved one then feel free to join our Buddy Scheme, alternatively you can find some great resources here.
Thank you for writing about this Emma. It is important to think about but so easy to brush aside as it can be difficult to talk about, the practical advice here is really helpful.